The adventures of Kyle and This Little Piggy

Sweet gloves

2005-11-16T16:44:00.000-08:00

I just got these sweet gloves. They are mechanix gloves with lights in the index fingers. They are so sweet, now I just need to find a use for them. Send me your ideas k.

http://www.mechanix.com/detail.asp?product_id=GL5

if you think of some good uses I may take a picture of my self using them for that purpose

Today's game...

2005-11-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

Drive around your city and find a quit little neighborhood. The find a house with a nice little lawn, it doesn't have to be little you just get more points if its small, ill explain the points bracket in a minute. Then drive up on the lawn with your vehicle and sit there for five minutes. Pull off the lawn and proceed to the next lawn and repeat the process till the cops come. The smaller the lawn the more points because you must have all four tires on the grass.
Ok, bonus round. When the owner comes out to yell at you pretend that they are not even there. Bonus point begin to apply when the owner starts throwing things and beating your vehicle with objects. The more damage you occur in the allowed 5 minutes the greater your score

1 point parking on large lawn
2 point parking on medium lawn
3 point parking on very small lawn
1 point for driving threw bushes to park on lawn

Bonus points

5 for broken glass
2 for scratches
5 dented panels
20 for a totaled vehicle

And begin

They'rrrrrrrr Great!!!!

2005-11-01T02:13:00.000-08:00

Ok lets all run our mouths and vocal gang-bang some unsuspecting person. Here are the rules of the game.

Find person doing their ordinary job
Watch intently over their shoulders
Start criticizing the hell out of how they are doing their job
Use the sentence "I don't know any thing about (fill in the blank) But if I were you I would (fill in the blank)..."
Touch them
Involve total strangers in the conversion
Ask for their bosses number
(optional) Call their boss and tell them how they could improve their employees performance
Show up after the (victim) gets off work and wait for them in the parking lot.
Repeat the next day if there are no restraining orders against you

How do you win you may ask? Simple, be the first one to be served a restraining order...
Or be the first to, without question, make them cry...

Rest your eyes on this...

2005-09-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

Now dont you feel enlightend? If you dont I at lest hope you feel better...

YEAH!

2005-09-19T10:10:00.000-07:00

I did it!... i finly made my time between posts as long as Matt..... sweet.

About this time last year.....

2005-09-12T00:19:00.000-07:00

Monday, September 06, 2004

i wrote this one

No such luck

It all started with a road trip, me and this little piggy went to Withrop. A normal extended weekend trip, except for my disagreement with "the man," more commonly referred to as the law. I have decided the posted speed limit between Heartline and Spokane, is 21 more than posted, or at lest that's what trooper Bedford I-31 thinks. He also thinks that he will write me a ticket and deduct 183$ from my bank account. What a bottom feeding, broom pushing, sack of bricks. This guy... Ok so I was doing a little over limit but surly not 21... If I had this guy address I would send him a skunk in the mail, just for the inconvenience, of his catching me, breaking the sound barrier on a state highway.... Well the good news is Peter will be receiving a few more calls this week, from a rest stop halfway between here and there, Because I clumsily gouged his number, and "for a good time call.." On the men's stall wall... I have heard good things about those kind of calls, good luck with that Pete...

Life lesson.

2005-09-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

You shouldn't take what is not yours to take. Its simple common cents. Except some times, then its ok. Those are you rules...

And it was good...

2005-08-31T15:53:00.000-07:00

what shall we call this board of debauchery and licentiousness we have created. Lets hear what you guys got.

Every body come see how good I look...

2005-08-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

Well I got a hair cut the other day, its pretty sweet. I had to work my ass of the convince the owner of the hair salon, to let me leave though the front door. She wanted to cut it all off. Hell no!!! People wouldn't know who I was, I would lose my identity. So I rummaged though the draws till I found a pick and some heavy duty body and curl shampoo. As you can see I had to work the hair cut magic my self, but its not bad if I say so my self. I put up this picture of me running with my new due, I run every day, rain or shine. I better finish up here, I have an appointment with a portrait painter, I really hope he can catch the glory and the purple mountain majesty that is me....

Look what I found.....

2005-08-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9069423

this guy thinks he was discriminated against.... First of all, its not discrimination if its funny and second, if you are in your back yard, no one can see you to discriminate against you, maybe it you were in you front yard, you would have better luck being discriminated against, third, who wouldn't laugh at this, that guy needs to lighten up. If he is using this to stir up a wasp nest he needs to get a life, and quit being an dum ass.... This is not evil, harmful, demoralizing or malicious, its funny, so every one have a good laugh, I know I will.....

My trip to hell

2005-08-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

I stopped by hell the other day, just because I had never been there before. Its pretty nice there, they got bingo, heated indoor pool, slots and black jack, great big movie multiplex, hot dog eating contests, candy and ice cream shops. Did you know that hell is the largest grower and importer of tulips. You would know that if ever saw a picture of those huge tulip fields, you know the rows of one color, maybe there is one red flower amongst millions of yellow flowers, it says it in the caption... But any idiot would know that. Since I was a visiting dignitary, they gave me the key to the city, what nice people. I was wined and dined all day. You know, one thing I noticed is the lack of transients, those guys who hold signs up will work for food, have pity on a vet, ect, it was really clean... I really enjoyed my visit, I think ill visit again... Oh, someone should tell them about sun screen, I would have, but I felt it wasn't my place to tell them, the way they were treating me and all, why fuck things up, instigate one of those, daddy hit mommy at the dinner table moments, now act like nothing happen, DO IT I SAID, EAT YOUR FOOD, ill lock up you bike, ILL DO IT.......

I was green... Now im black....Yeah!!!

2005-08-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

I was tired of that color... This is better, clean, sleek, sex on a stick, sexual chocolate, hot sex,... All around a better format for my readers, as well as a time less format.

Photo of the week

2005-08-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

this is E, he is getting ready to submerge his small town self, into this pristine high mountain lake... Effectively washing away the trappings of his oppressive class riddled college life. In lay-men's terms "a vacation"

IM BACK.....

2005-08-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

Its good to be home... iv been away having adventures that even Jack Hanna the crock hunter would shit his pants if he were there... hmmm lets see... I guess we'll start at my short tour in the PGA. "Really... my ass..." No it’s true, and, I was good, real good, and so good in fact, they accused me of using performance enhancing drugs. They threw me off the tour, seriously who needs drugs for golf, maybe Zoloft for baseball or ritalin for ping pong players, but golf!!! Really it’s so easy; it shouldn’t even be a sport. Here is the trick, you’re in a bind, 9th hole, you need a birdie, where’s your mind at, "energy vs. mass X swing divide two trees subtract the sand trap = ....." Wrong!!! Think like a jock, Dun-ddun-ddun-ddun-dun-dun Shiny golf ball... its that easy. You'll have eagles and birdies out your ass hole.

2005-08-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

well it is about that time again,

What you want to make a bet that I can send a potato over that hill...

2005-06-02T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today's challenge is... Send a 2 inch round potato through two pieces of plywood separated by two feet from a distance of 20 feet... Can you do it? I can, and I have video to prove it... yeah! do it, do it to it!

mmm

2005-05-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

boobs... their cool to... what shity post...

blogger can also suck my balls for its shitty comp page tools

2005-04-14T14:54:00.000-07:00

Your equipped to be a whore....

2005-04-14T12:13:00.000-07:00

NPR can suck my balls... Apart from the occasional informing interview, (of which I must now question the views, descriptions, and sound bites) I feel that their misinformed and bias reporters nothing but a troop of brain washed monkeys. These monkeys screech and squawk every time there's a new report that the sky is falling.
once I heard a report were the reporter was interviewing a General about his sponsoring of a boy scout troop on his base.

npr, What will the boys be doing on your base?
gen, We will canoe, learn survival technique, shoot a few guns, tie knots and a few other things.
npr, Are you not concerned about those boys firing guns?
gen, No, they will receive the proper training on how to use the fire arms before they even step on the firing range.
npr, don't you think that is dangerous, letting those boys fire guns?
gen, no, they will each be supervised on the range.
npr, are you not concerned that you are training and equipping these little boys to become cold blooded killers?
gen, Ma'am, you are equipped to be a whore, and your not.

the interview ended there

these are a few other dum things I have heard

author, I just went to the hospital last week to get this little pesky spider bite checked out. They gave me some ben-i-drill and said it was nothing.
npr, oh my was it a brown recluse?

or this:
author, at the seen we couldn't find the gun, when we lifted the suicide victim up on to the slab a gun fell from his shirt to the floor.
npr, wow, did the gun go off?

you think that if the gun went off he would have told you, or do you think that a brown recluse victim would be talking to you a week after a fatal bite.

personally I have stopped listing to npr for their intelligent content, now I tune in for a good time as they advertise their ignorance.

I think ill have some fun with this one....

I like to think of a typical day at npr kind of like this...
there is a troop of monkeys running about a studio. One randomly dial's numbers from a phone book...
"hello?"
"Sqwalk! I am from npr... eeek... What's your name? ooh ooh ooh...."
"my name is max"
"Eeeek!... Hi max. eeh eeh.. What do you do max?
"i drive limos"
"wow.... ah ah ah... have you done any thing else eeeeek"
"i wrote a book, about driving limos."
"Screech ek ek ek.. what to talk on the radio, i have a stodio.. chatter chatter chatter"
"shure i would love to do that"
"Eeek great! bam bam bam(phone hitting on desk) talk to you then..."

god dam i am sick of writing.... some other time....

Still alive??

2005-04-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, despite all attempts on my life, I survive. So its been awhile since my last post. Do you feel neglected? I know I would if I were you. Like those pandas in captivity, once in a great while, they throw in some fat old hag panda and expect the male to get it up for her. Truth be known, they think that since pandas are going out of style, they would fuck any hole in the wall, or shit, just any bear.
Save your species, make some babies, throw it down... They just throw in a 2 with a 10 and expect some magic. What are they thinking, throw in some beer first, a few 24 packs would most likely do miracles. It would rain baby pandas if you did that.
This is so easy, I'm not even trying and I just solved the panda problem. But they most likely think they know more than me. "What, you want us to add three 24 packs of bud to the daily food regiment!!!! Your kidding me right!!" the other thing you might try is slipping her into a little black dress, you know, for the sliming affects. Who am I kidding if she's a 2, she's a 2, there is no way around it except beer...
Most of the worlds problems could be solved with beer. Lets all think about this. Beer, drink to take the edge off, drink till your happy, if they are an angry or sobbing drunk, make them drink till they pass out on the floor. If the world is ending hell fire and brim stone, have another beer. Just have another beer.

Urban Transportation Specialist

2005-03-15T11:49:00.000-08:00

Look, I take my job seriously, if I’m late every one is late.
If you see me breaking the land speed record in a bus, than you know I am a little behind. Saturday I only got three complaints for being early in one day.
Now I’m going to catch hell at the drivers meeting today.
You know, if all you riders took being on time as seriously as I do, you would all be ten minutes early to the bus stop.
But no, you would rather that I be right on time, unless your late, then you want me to sit half way out in an intersection, so you can run a block then stand outside my bus, fumbling with your wallet or purse, “oh!” there it is, your pass hold it up for the nice bus driver to see, oops you dropped it, “oh!” Now you kicked it under the bus. “FUCK YOU” I have been sitting in this intersection for, 4 minutes now holding up traffic looking like a large dumb ass trying to drive a bus, but what they cant see, is the real dumb ass, who can wake up in time to get ready, who can think or act efficiently, and must have done horribly in their PE classes because you move like a snail.
Oh, wait, here come three of your friends who are similarly gifted whom I now must wait for.
“GET ON THE FUCKING BUS”

Scaring old ladies,

2005-03-10T20:56:00.000-08:00

So I was at the store with Clare the other day, and we were standing in the meat section pondering the idea of a roast, when we heard a shaky little voice, “My grandson came to visit me the other day”… iI registered a crazy old woman in my mind's eye. Inquisitively we looked round and alas realized that we were the object of her monologue. So being a good citizen, I said “Oh yeah” and she rambled forth “I know you young men have the money to buy nice jeans – his were very much like yours”. I looked down realizing I had a number of large frayed holes in my pants where my white knobby knees were shining forth like the Milky Way. Huh, how insulting I mused, realizing she was trying to assist the youth of America with their fashion sense. She said, “Some day you will grow up and want to dress nicely.” “How much did you pay for those pants, I know that they’re expensive.” To which I replied “I’ve had these pants for a long time, I worked long and hard to put those holes there. These are my work jeans” Then she continued as if she was also deaf. I decided to test her hearing. “well I’ll tell you what, if you stop telling me how to dress myself, then next time social security is up for a vote – I’ll vote for it rather than against”. I continued on, perplexed by her bouffant hair, “how much did you pay for that? Mine is natural (some people have all the luck in the world – I guess I’m one of them)”. (Jesus he’s vain).

We drifted out of the meat section and let her ramblings die in the whir of the freezers.

Endnote: Excerpts of beautiful Shakespearean English added by the fair hand of an English damsel.

2005-03-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

A random post below

Drunken paintor

2005-03-09T11:49:00.000-08:00

I think I will paint a picture. Maybe an abstract, nude or something odd, like a big mouse setting a tiny mouse trap. I think I will use one color, but in different shades. Kind of like my last one…

Here is a list of things I will need
One bottle of vodka
A bottle of rum
One canvas
One frame
A mind altering drug
Ten pounds of potatoes
Two cloves of garlic
A stick of butter
One liter of coke
A lemon
A shitty car, like a ford tempo
A small transistor radio
One book of matches
A large stack of pallets around a wooden post
Some gas
14 feet of rope
A guy with the nick name of “Hot Carl”
A plethora of paint brushes and sponges
Different shades of paint.
And some bear foot horse jockeys

"We're sinking"... haha, no we're not...

2005-03-07T11:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the best weather I seen all winter long. So I thought I would spook the boys out of their hibernation and take the boat down to the river. So I ran all over the house got all the shit together. Went out gassed up the boat “brandy” and “this little piggy” and when I returned from the chores, I found all the boy would rather play with their dicks on the back deck, than go have some adventure. Except mike, he has people to play with his, while he dose more important things.
So off I went me and my good friend Clare. Down to the river, were I promptly put the boat in the water and went for a spin. Brandy was running pretty good, other than the winters grim, lose belts and dirty oil. We were cruising along and Clare says… “We’re sinking” … haha I thought to my self no were not. “Look at the water there on the carpet” Clare said. Hu that’s a little odd, I thought. I slowed down and water comes surging out from beneath the engine housing. Oh shit, I thought… fuck us and our lazy asses; we should have winterized the boat. We had better get her out of the water quick. So I flipped the bilge pump on and slammed her full throttle to the docks. When I got back I had to jockey for position at the landing ramp. Good thing Clare was there or I would have been fucked. Oh and fuck the boys for staying at home and playing with them selves. Except mike… and that’s all I have time for today, oh well I may never finish this story.

2005-03-04T11:16:00.000-08:00

thought I would send you all flowers

Were the hell have you been?

2005-03-02T13:57:00.000-08:00

Well I’m back. I just went on a long trip to Tibet. Where I met up with my personal Tibetan monk. We had a peaceful week meditating on the usefulness of scissors and there place in society. Fascinating, really. I only came down the mountain once to reply to my baying public. Then I went back to partake in the lama races, were we get all high on opium then grease up the lamas and race them to the bottom of the mountain. Then if you’re the winner you get to cut off the heads of your opponents and play kick ball with them. I know what you’re thinking bull shit Kyle; Tibetan monks are peaceful and wouldn’t hurt a fly. You’re mostly right but there is a little community of extremely violent monks. They live the highest up in the mountains were the air is the thinnest. This kind of keeps them peaceful because of the lack of oxygen. When the come down their faces get all red, and their tempers flair. Plus their pretty high on opium. Well I better get going got to go back to work.

end of story

2005-02-25T11:22:00.000-08:00

Ok so we may have tried those flowers out, they were nice. Then we sent them home with some friends of ours...

oh what an amazing story Kyle, that was really exciting. I hope that all your endings are as amazing at that one.

but I did stand on the porch scratch my ass and have a beer, watch the neighbors go by and wondered if they belonged to any of them. During that time I saw the Mexican troop carrier go by twice.... hmm alittle odd...

What an awful though...

2005-02-15T18:31:00.000-08:00

So yesterday some idiot delivery guy, who can tell my address form somebody else’s, just leaves some flowers on my doorstep, that clearly don’t belong to any of the members of the house. No knock, no doorbell, not even the beep, beep, beep of backing up. This all tells me; (having the superior mind) that some moron is just driving around putting packages were ever he pleases. This guy is an idiot, read the box, see where it is says, address, 500 something street? Now dose that match up with my address, the one you are standing next to. No, so don’t give some one else‘s stuff, especially on Valentines Day. Ok so here’s to day’s dilemma. Since Valentines Day has since passed, and those flowers remain on the porch were he laid them. Should I, "A" use them my self, feeling no remorse. "B" leave them there till they go bad and smell up the place. "C" take it upon my self to deliver the flowers, of which I am extremely capable being an ex-delivery boy. Or "D" stand on the porch and scratch my ass, and drink a beer. Well, you tell me what to do, it could one, or a combination of the 4.

As for the baboon delivery guy, I hope he is not the one who will be delivering my tax refund.

Geeze, shut up...

2005-02-15T01:49:00.000-08:00

There are some people, that when your having a conversation with them, wont shut up. Its like they can’t stand not flapping their jaws even for a minute. They may take a breath, and you might squeeze off a “like I was saying” then they are back at it, “ yeah that reminds me of a mumble mumble mumble.” “God shut up!” I sit there wondering if they are really, that exited to speak. If they were a puppy, they’d be pissing them selves, because their own voice excites them selves so much. I wonder what’s in their heads, maybe a long cement hallway or a stairway, oh I could be a giant steel grain silo. Yeah, lets all think what is going on in there heads, maybe it’s a deep well, it could even be a large canyon. What ever it is that their on, it must be one hell of a high to make their voices sound so grand.

Next....

2005-02-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

Hey I will have a new post up by my lunch Tuesday

Two new posts... below

2005-02-10T22:10:00.000-08:00

ok lets addres kyle poor spelling. befor and after

2005-02-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

first of all kyle cant spell worth a box of crakers. if you havent noteced words that do not make any senc are the aperint correct words that microsoft word would like me to use insted of my ragity spelling. I never was any good at this spelling shit. my teachers in grade school and highschool had to pull me by the hair through every loop hole they could find just so i could graduat. "good luck writng now in the real world," i hope they can understand your writing that kind looks and sounds like the astreailan bush people tought you the english languige. much nocking of your toung, a few wistels, gutrul sounds, maby a dance, and snapping of your teeth later you may have finishd reading my story. the most amaginative of you my have even read and understood it. Well i was introduced to this program called microsoft word, wich was haild as kyles spelling masia. only recsonly has it been brought to my attenchion that this not the savior of my spelling. that most of the things i write may be words in fact but not the ones i was intending to convay my storys with. this cases much confution, and i gess that it is still quit a laborious task to read any thing taht i write. so to my readers i apoalgize for my basterd, half baked, and retarted spelling. So until my computer can read my mind i thnk that you will half to read what the amazing mirosoft word would like you to read.that is indee the correct spelling right. So now you know how i would spell. from now on when i post i will be alittle pink in the cheeks and wounder if you guys can read it...

First of all Kyle can’t spell worth a box of crackers. If you haven’t noticed words that do not make any scents are the apparent correct words that Microsoft word would like me to use instead of my raggedy spelling. I never was any good at this spelling shit. My teachers in grade school and high school had to pull me by the hair through every loop hole they could find just so I could graduate. "good luck writing now in the real world," I hope they can understand your writing that kind looks and sounds like the Australian bush people taught you the English language. Much knocking of your tong, a few whistles, guttural sounds, maybe a dance, and snapping of your teeth later you may have finished reading my story. The most imaginative of you my have even read and understood it. Well I was introduced to this program called Microsoft word, witch was hailed as Kyle’s spelling messiah. Only recently has it been brought to my attention that this not the savior of my spelling. That most of the things I write may be words in fact but not the ones I was intending to convey my stories with. This cases much confusion, and I guess that it is still quit a laborious task to read any thing that I write. So to my readers I apologize for my bastard, half baked, and retarded spelling. So until my computer can read my mind I think that you will half to read what the amazing Microsoft word would like you to read. That is indeed the correct spelling right. So now you know how I would spell. From now on when I post I will be a little pink in the cheeks and wonder if you guys can read it...

Fuck KFC!

2005-02-10T17:22:00.000-08:00

I haven’t done a dam thing all day…
Well I did check the mail twice, but someone got it before me, so that was pretty much useless. I Thought about doing some laundry but I didn’t want do every body else’s, just so I could get in there to do mine. I cussed out my computer for being such a bitch. I watched Mike walk by 4 times, with his usual “you haven’t moved since” look. I walked upstairs once, then turned around and walked right back down without doing a thing. I’m not really getting any were here…

Maybe I should talk about things, I should, but haven’t done today.

Lets see… World peace, I haven’t even started drafting my plan, mostly because I kind of enjoying watching war. Countries getting their asses kicked, by the big boys, ethnic cleansing and just the general population control. Its great stuff, really. Besides we make all sorts of technology advances because of war. The internet was a product of war, that’s great, and jeeps, I love jeeps, dont you? If I solved that one, all I would have is the history channel, that’s no good, better put that on off a little longer.

Hmmm, how about starvation in Ethiopia.
Now there is a sick problem, little kids, too weak to swat flies from their faces. Well I did have a plan, but it was rejected. I think that KFC doesn’t think much of it as problem, like I do. I was served a restraining order that says I can’t go within 200yds of their corporate head quarters. I think that KFC doesn’t like the idea of throwing up like, 30 rest rants, and giving food away. They say that food is already given out. Yeah! But its just rice, don’t you think there a little sick of that by now. They never even liked rice to begin with. If there is something that those little kids like, and will eat non stop, its chicken, original and extra crispy, corn bread with butter and honey, mashed potatoes and gravy, and maybe some Kool-Aid. Then they would be fat and happy in no time…. Any ways, I half to draft a new plan, they assured me that one wasn’t going to fly. Ass holes!

New post????

2005-02-10T01:46:00.000-08:00

stand by for post today.... its my day off... ill have lots of time to think about it

Dr Phil knows, Dr Phil knows…

2005-02-08T13:18:00.000-08:00

Who’s the British chic? Tell us about the British chic. Ok, so im under a little pressures to spill the details on the British chic. I wont, it seems as if this whole thing has been blown way out of proportion. Thanks to Pete’s visions of grandeur, I now have the braying public to appease. Now I must confuse the hell out of you with contradictions, truths, lies, and inflation. You’ll wish that I had left it to your imaginations. Here you go. On the night in question I was playing with some kittens for a few hours? I may have been two fisting forties? She could have been sitting on the couch next to me? She dose have a beautiful accent. Dose she like fast cars? Could her last name be"Foxy"? Is it a bad idea to drink a few mixed drinks after 2 forties and two beers? We didn’t fall asleep in the same house? We may have woken with matching hangovers? Where is my sock? I am Bill Gates? Dose "pissed" mean drunk?
Well, I will not confirm or deny any involvement. It may be, that this story could compromise me as a gentleman. You don’t know any thing. People are not trophies to be mounted on walls for display. Oh, except me… If I was you, I would feel bad for even asking or implying about things that should be left unsaid. No worries yet, no harm, no foul. When there are details that I feel comfortable leaking to the public, I will. It really is quit flattering that people want to read any thing I write.

What the hell!

2005-02-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

So yester day I saw the oddest thing. There were a number of frat boys humping each other in my front lawn. Were talking like 30 guys jumping on each, in my yard. “ETHELL… get me my shot gun… I’m guna have me a turkey shoot.” Ok, not really, I wouldn’t shoot them. But there were 30 guys humping in the front yard. One would stand feet shoulder width apart, slightly bent forward, hand out towards his back. Then the next would run and jump on to his back piggy back style. Another would run and slam into that ones ass, pushing both of them forward. This repeated itself until like 15 guys were in these positions. Then one run and jump seemingly trying to clear the pile, but falling short about 5 guys, this repeats itself until it backs all the way to last guy. Then the next guy runs and slams into the last guy, in the back of this line. Ok, let’s review, we now have a line of guys about 15 long, with guys stacked on top these guys, all the way to the end of the line, with more line forming, to accommodate the rest of these fools stacking and packing. This is happing in a small town; the news travels fast, now there are locals standing around watching this anomaly. One says, “It kinda looks like one of those snake mating balls you see on the discovery channel.” Really, it’s kinda sick. Now the police show up, this doesn’t even faze these guys; the cops are just starring at this as well. I don’t think they have ever seen this before. I shout “Hey Sanders, why don’t you get your stun gun out and shock the whole lot. That would be fun, wouldn’t it?” This is getting pretty ridicules, not to mention what the neighbors are thinking. I still can’t figure this whole thing out, what the hell are they thinking. What a bunch of dumb asses. What purpose dose this serve. It doesn’t even look fun. That’s when I left, god how embarrassing is that. Maybe the earth will open op and swallow them, lets hope any way… Oh shit, we still got our xmas lights up, thats just about as bad.

Don't trust me, trust you.

2005-02-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

Today I would like nothing more than to blatantly plagiarize someone’s writing. I won’t, but I thought I would just put that out there. I thought that it would help explain my tinny ass post. I’m such a dumb ass…

The gay zoo.

2005-02-03T15:00:00.000-08:00

Here is a world problem, sent to me by Jesse.

At 11:36 AM, Jesse said...
Dr. Kyle, I would like you to solve the problem of gay men interacting with humans

This is a simple one. Since there are not very many of them, and they seem to enjoy their kind. We should lock them up in glass cages, in big parks were they can hump each others lights out. That way, we keep them from chewing on the furniture, and destroying our quality of life.
You might say, “You can’t lock them up like that, their human beings”… of course they are, but don’t you see they just want to be together.
They don’t like having to search for their kind in our (the straight guys, and hot lesbians) community. So it would be in our best interest, and theirs, to put them in these ass camps. Were they can be free to hump each other all they want. This is also a good thing for the majority, (us straight guys, and hot lesbians) because it keeps unwanted diseases from our population.
“But Kyle, why don’t the gays lock your population up? ” Thank you for that question, it’s a very good one.
First, we are the majority, so they half to do what we say. Second if we were all locked up, all we would do is have sex, causing procreation and we would quickly fill, and eventually burst out of our cages. Thirdly, you see, when two males hump each other, their man juice, never finds and egg to fertilize. There for, they can not reproduce. This would be a highly effective population control, much like ground sterilizer kill’s plants.
“Then were do gay people come from?”
Yes, they are just born that way, because of a very complicated gene and chromosome reaction. Which I won’t go in to, unless you want me to, that’s a hole other topic. If all these gays and ugly lesbians are locked up, this just being born gay stuff would drastically decreases. Then there are only freak brake outs, when the reaction happens, then goes undetected for a few years. These don’t happen real often but as you can see, when their not dealt with, they become an epidemic. Which causes this unpleasant interaction that Jesse would like us to solve.
So you see, these ass camps are not an uplesant expepereiance for gays, they would simply prefer it, over living in our society.
There you have it, another world problem solved. If you have any other problems you would like soved, just post them here. I will do my best to answer them in order of importance.

I have the solution.

2005-02-02T01:51:00.000-08:00

It seems to me that there has been an increase of people that step out in front of moving vehicles. It has become a plague, not just infecting one race, but all races. This is the cause of the increase in driver’s ulcers, increases in rear end accidents, the increasing use of profane language and gestures, and the sky rocketing housing costs. These all are contributing factors in the cost of living in crease all over the world. We’re talking billions of (fill in the blank currency).
I have the solution, the problem lies in the fact that the street level is near, if not even, with the street. The solution is obvious; raise all sidewalks 8 feet above the street level. Then, any one dumb enough to jump down 8 feet, onto pavement, in front of moving vehicles is far game, and there are no penalties for hitting them. In fact you get an award for cleansing the gene pool, as well as a little boggy decal for your vehicle. We should also post signs atop these 8 foot sidewalks, with the statement “Step off and meet Jesus, Buda, Satan, Elvis, (fill in the blank religious, after life character)”. These signs would serve as a reminder, as to the consequences for such actions. I would also chuckle to my self every time I saw that. Just like that we would create a surplus of currency, to spend as we please, for example gum balls, or lottery tickets.
If you would like me to solve any of the world problems, like the one I wisely address above. Please post the problem on my blog some were, and I will answer them in order of importance. Remember, no problem is to big, or to small, for me to address.

Kyle makes your wildest dreams come true.

2005-02-01T14:32:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a late shift, which meant I was driving a bus till 12:45 am. That really sucks in case you’ve never driven a bus when your extremely tired. I got of shift, and was in “this little piggy”, on my way home, when I saw a huge semi truck with its hazards on, by the side of the road, on its way into town. The driver was walking along the road with a puzzled look on his face. I pulled over, he walked over and asked, how to get from point A, to point B. I being the nice guy I am tried to explain how to get there, but he didn’t under stand, seeing as the roads are quit confusing. I would have left it at that, him standing there still puzzled, and me knowing I had done a half ass job at explaining, but then I asked what he was hauling. He said (start heavenly angelic chior music < ) “beer”… I then realized that this was an emergency. I was the only salvation between the people, and this beer, without me it would never make it into the hands of consumers. The dire situation called for extreme measures, smoke, loud music, and flashing lights, “Follow me” I said in my supper hero voice. He sprang into his heavy laden semi, flipped on his lights, and we were off. “God this guy is a slow driver, can’t he see its an emergency” I thought, as I drove through down town. Eight minutes later I pulled into the distributors with my convoy of beer in tow. I saved this small town from impending doom... another party saved, another good time had, another lonely soul drowned. I slept soundly that night, resting on the assurance that I had done the right thing…

Head line news tonight...

2005-01-25T17:41:00.000-08:00

Reporting on the earlier breaking news… A report of hot steamy shower scandal involving Pete, two other suspects, a bar of soap, a heard of rain forest goats, and a Buick surfaced earlier today. Details are still sketchy at this time, but what we can tell you, is the two other guys both scored. We go now to our eye witness “Fuzzy bunny”… Fuzzy bunny, what did you see? (Fuzzy bunny, in a really loud reporter voice) “Yes, yess, we cant show you the footage but we can tell you that it smells really bad in here, like a bunch of wet goats. If you look over my shoulder you can see the mop-up crew corralling all the foam in to the corner of the communal shower, in order to locate the dead goats… It appeasers that the three men locked the goats in the shower, turned the water on and threw in a bar of soap. Then when the goats were all sufficiently suds, they drove the Buick in and spun donuts…. From that point on the details become sketchy… we now know, that the two other men walked out of the shower with satisfied looks on their faces, cigarettes hanging from their lips, and reportedly slapped each other on the ass and said “good game”,… I’m fuzzy bunny, reporting from the shower, Kyle back to you…. (In a somber tone) Thank you, fuzzy bunny, our hearts and prayers go out to the families of those unfortunate goats……. In other news tonight… (As voice trails off in to nothing)

Extra extra read all a bout it

2005-01-24T18:09:00.000-08:00

beep beep, beep beep beep, beep beep,........... this just in, Pete makes out with a nother man... beep beep, beep beep beep, beep beep,....... more details as they come,..... beep beep...................

WHO'S WITH ME!!!!

2005-01-11T01:58:00.000-08:00

Picking teams, that most dreadful popularity contest of yester year. I say dreadful because you were about to find out what the others thought of you. First you pick the captains, the best and naturally gifted, therefore the most popular people of the group. Then one by one the others were chosen, as each group grew, little team conferences here held, for to who would be chosen next. All the places were filled, and the least, were left to sit on the side line, sulk and watch the others play, some with a tear in their eye. It says here in fine print that these were the rules of play ground popularity. How simple is that. Like nature, the strongest survive, and the weakest are eaten by the crocks at the edge of the watering hole. Like a dramatic chase seen in Africa the lion crouches in the shallow weeds, each step closer to the next bloody morsel. Then spotted, not 20 feet from the pigmy antelopes, they spook. One jumps straight into the air, the others start off before he hits the ground, then with one bound he joins the others. Tight packed they run, lion hot on their tails, as the weaker filter to the back the lion chooses his mark then reaching out snatching at the hind legs, air, again, flesh, not enough to bring her down but nearly. At last the lion grabs and holds, as the dust settles, you see this frail, dainty pigmy, life slipping from her almost crying eyes, the others trotting away from her quieting cries, GROSS… that’s enough, way to much animal planet for Kyle. I’m sorry, I got carried away. I hope no one is crying. I sincerely apologize for the morbid story. But that’s how the playground rules started, way back in the day. Well for those of you who need a happy ending. Then a jackal ran up and got in a fight with the lion, over who was guna eat the pigmy. The lion picked up a rock and said im guna throw this at you jackal. The jackal said you better not; you better not, still pushing the issue. So the lion threw the rock at the jackal and hit him. Then the blue whale named Julie Koblen swam up and gave them both detentions then tolled them that they were going to burn in hell if they didn’t change their ways. Meanwhile the little pigmy got up ran away and against all odds, the laws of nature and physics, survived the terrible bruising, and graduated with a GPA of a baby dropped on its head…. Oh that’s right happy endings… um got married to this “handsome” guy, had some “beautiful” babies of their own, who then repeat the process, and the next generation of proud parents stand by and hope for better results. Maybe, if their lucky, they’ll have a lion this time….. Life is cruel, it really is…..

Not even worth an entry in my blogg

2005-01-09T13:41:00.000-08:00

Hard to rely on my good intentions,
Last night I purposed in my heart to go to church. I didn’t really care which I attended except one. I was intending do to this with mike and some friends. This morning we all decided to sleep in and forgo the religious experience. Well I think that most of us don’t even care that much about it now. But I thought to my self about my reasons for attending this ritualistic bull shit, it occurs to me that I was there mostly for the company attending with me. I don’t need to attend church for that, I can do that at home or on a plane or in the depths of the sea. I don’t need church for a social fix, besides the other people that go are mostly losers, who cant tie their own shoes without help. Then I thought that old reason, well maybe ill feel better if I go to church, god will like me more I if attend the sheep cage. What, I don’t feel bad, I feel no guilt, and in fact I feel pretty free and sexy. I need no consoling or how are you doing, bull shit. I think that god doesn’t care if I go to church, he wouldn’t go. I think that sleeping in was the wise decision today. I would have been board to death and slept in church any way. I think the only thing I feel bad about is wasting my time thinking about this, and then writing it down for you to read so you could waste yours…

I need a tattoo?

2005-01-04T01:23:00.000-08:00

All this down time has me contemplating getting a tattoo. So people I tell say, why? My answer, I want to and I don’t think I would look good with a piercing. Is this a good reason? I think. Some people say, what would this tattoo mean to you? Dose it need to mean something, can it be in the eye of the beholder? They say its there forever. No, you can get them removed, right. Well what are you going to get done? I don’t know. I was thinking a ship, on my back. There are those of you that are thinking sure, yeah right, your getting a tattoo my ass. Well you better weigh in and let me know what you think cas I want some art done… really, I want to know.

Get drunk....

2005-01-02T01:50:00.000-08:00

Know what I think? It seems that every person I know reads from a different book. We all look out from different pages, viewing one another, analyzing, explaining, touching, and using each other, from our pages. The list goes on.
I tell stupid stories, using real life experiences as skeletons to build my Frankenstein’s monsters. Wrenched, poorly constructed, even time to time brilliant (I like to think), digging up pieces of mine and others hands, leg, nose, crudely stitching unreal details into wildly unbelievable tales. Drink a beer while you read my stories, get drunk, stumble down sentences, lean on a word, trip on a misplaced coma or stare, at a place that one should be? Please enjoy, don’t get depressed and sob.
By the way I typed this whole thing with one sock off. You try it, feels wrong.

Im off to watch another friggin movie, sweet

2005-01-01T23:07:00.000-08:00

Are you a paper weight? Some people have the brains god gave a sack of hammers. When watching a dumb movie, avoid watching it with people that have an IQ of ten sticks, which is obviously less than a sack of hammers. When the same movie is funny when you are by you’re self, or with others that have the same above average IQ as you or the lower IQ of other normal people. It is amazing that when you are trying to not laugh at the person you are sitting next to, the movie can be so unmoving because you might laugh and cause undo, (to be read in a high pitch in your mind voice) “awkward”. The morel of the story, choose you movie company with discrimination.

Ill do better next time

2004-12-31T01:52:00.000-08:00

Well I need to apologize for my piss poor bogging. As you can read I have not posted in a long time, so long in fact that my keys have grown little mold spores and cream colored mushrooms the size of small push pins. I have even toyed with the thought of quitting bogging altogether, throwing it out the window like a white trash mother on a family road trip through Yellow Stone National Park “ok kids gather up the trash” kids obey, mother cramming trash and paper cups into a bulging funny shaped brown paper sack. Then rolls down the window and tosses it free from the rumbling rust bucket.
I digress… it seems that subconsciously I think that by writing amazingly with much sensory detail and distracted story telling I will make amends.
Thou I may have distracted the majority of you, I feel that truth be told, I am a lazy ass, and no amount of witty story telling will save this sinking boat. Much like it never saved my ass when my dad came home early, and I was at the kings, well after school let out. Ring Ring…. (Jake) “Kyle it’s your dad! what do you want me to tell him”.. (Kyle) “Tell him I left like an hour ago ... (Jake picks up the phone) “hello?”... “THIS IS MR GROPP, IS MY KYLE THERE?”... (Jake) “Um no, he left an hour ago... “WELL IF YOU SEE HIM, SEND HIM HOME, TELL HIM HIS DAD IS LOOKING FOR HIM.”... (Jake) “Ok I will bi” ….. And by the time my dad was hanging up the phone I was at the door trying to slow my breathing from the Olympic sprinters pace. I opened the door, WHERE WERE YOU? My dad would yell… “Um on my way home?” WERE AT THOSE KING BOYS HOUSE? THOSE KING BOYS ARE A BAD INFUENCE ON YOU!!! YOU HEAR ME … by this time I had made it up the stairs, my jaw firmly in his hand, my feet lifted six inches from the floor, my mind poised firmly on the fact that my trip from school to home had indeed taken one and one half hours walking the whole time.
Once again I digress, long story shore I am a lazy ass who goes to great lengths to draw the attention of people away from the real issue, which is, im lazy, im sorry, ill do better next time.

No such luck

2004-09-06T23:58:00.000-07:00

Kyle makes your wildest dreams come true.

2004-09-01T23:51:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a late shift, which meant I was driving a bus till 12:45 am. That really sucks in case you’ve never driven a bus when your extremely tired. I got of shift, and was in “this little piggy”, on my way home, when I saw a huge semi truck with its hazards on, by the side of the road, on its way into town. The driver was walking along the road with a puzzled look on his face. I pulled over, he walked over and asked how to get from point A to point B. I being the nice guy I am tried to explain how to get there, but he didn’t under stand, seeing as the roads are quit confusing. I would have left it at that, him standing there, still puzzled, and me knowing I had done a half ass job at explaining, but then I asked what he was hauling. He said (start heavenly angelic chior music < ) “beer”… I then realized that this was an emergency. I was the only salvation between the people, and this beer, without me it would never make it into the hands of consumers. The dire situation called for extreme measures, smoke, loud music and flashing lights, “Follow me” I said in my supper hero voice. He sprang into his heavy laden semi, flipped on his lights, and we were off. “God this guy is a slow driver, can’t he see its an emergency” I thought, as I drove through down town. Eight minutes later I pulled into the distributors with my convoy of beer in tow. I saved this small town from impending doom... another party saved, another good time had, another lonely soul drowned. I slept soundly that night, resting on the assurance that I had done the right thing…

Wanted, Hottie McHot-hot

2004-08-23T19:25:00.000-07:00

I will give a good home to all fun loving, well behaved, house trained, socially gifted McHot-hots. Must have well maintained coat, and all shots and must play nice with other Mchotties. Please respond to this ad with picture or video and detailed description.

Jack pot

2004-08-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

Well today was a pretty slow day, but some realy neat stuff happened. I spent most the day at home cleaning the house. Tuesday I bought two light bulbs they cost me like 17$ for the two of them. I would not have bought them but we were having a party and I need them so I did. Well today I took them back, I even used them and the lady gave me my money back. I was like cool, I was done with what I need them for, and besides 17bucks SWEET ROCKnROLL that's expensive.
You know those cheap vending machines at the stores that sell 25 cent sodas? Well I found one today and fed it two quarters. The first one, ker-thunk out rolled a cola a good ordinary choice, the next one I thought id be a little bit adventuresome and I hit the "mystery flavor" you know the one that gives you some crazy flav, but you don't know what its guna be, and your like, please don't suck. So I stuck the next quarter, ker-thunk, out rolls a diet black cherry. I thought shit, maybe I wont notice cas its not one of those flavs that I drink all the time, as I turned my back to the machine and started walking toward Piggy, and then I heard ker-thunk, ker-thunk, ker-thunk...... Hey I cleaned out the machine on two quarters, yeah! Kick ass!! Then I went to see what I won, every single one was a diet, different flavors,but diet, dame. So if you are wondering why every flav that's in the fridge suck, well now you know.

Random ramblings

2004-08-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

Ready set go... 1,2,3 go...... Whose with me. When I was a kid I used to dig massive holes in the garden. Once I dug one so deep I need a ladder to climb in and out. There was only one thing that stopped me from going to China and that was that supper hard clay and bed rock. If my dad had a demo hammer I would have dug to china, or at least to school so I didn't have to walk in the rain or snow.
That's not supposed be a funny story because it is true but if you smile I'm glad I made you happy. I realy would have, its true.

"You stay away from those King boys, they're a bad influence on you" a little sound byte of my dad . I don't think we turned out that bad, its not like we were skateboarding in the park and getting naked lady's tattooed on our selves or piercing our sticks and tits. Harmless realy, we're just looking for a good time. It must eat some people up sometimes, when they see us having a good time. That's pretty fun in itself.

Well I don't think I have introduced all the readers to This Little Piggy, well it starts with my first rig, Little-Bo-Jeep, a light blue 4banger 4x4. Just a good little jeep, I miss her dearly. It was a cold Thanksgiving winters day, and I was coming back from bird hunting in the back woods of Idaho. My X girl and I were driving down a icy hill, and on a long sweeping turn (sniff sniff) Bo-Jeep broke lose and drifted slowly to the outside edge and the front tire dropped of the edge of a canyon and that's all she wrote, two and a half rolls. I was so pissed off I could not believe it, well she was gone..... The hunt began for the new rig after a few months the need was so important that I had to rush the next purchase and the one day the she was This Little Piggy, a 4runner, 6banger even lighter blue than Bo-Jeep. She needed more work but she serves the purposes. She is a spotless rig thou just needs more bells and whistles, you know tow pac, brush guard, play pen and off road lights. I look forward to all are new adventures together and hope that her 4runner rep proves true.

X-ray vision goggles

2004-08-15T23:37:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted a set of those, wouldn't that be neat. Hmmmm, yes, this is one of my happy thoughts. Imagine the jobs you could get with specialized skills like that, and the other things you could do, just think...
Well today me and mike took a trip to the big city of Spokane in his brothers truck. One thing on our list of things to do, was locate and harvest a black leather couch that we had found on the amazing "eBay", one of the new "Wonders of the World". Our computerized map showed us thee most, cluster-bumble way to get there. On our journey We manedged to catch some serious air on this bridge over these RR tracks, We're talking Evil-canevil air, it was truly amazing. That was just the beginning, so were out in the sticks, you know were every trailer looks like a meth lab and the houses have old farm equipment and cars scattered about the premises. I told mike "Man we're gunna buy this couch from some trailer park, meth queen, or some front porch, shot gun toting, rocking chair grandma, and if we are realy lucky it will be an ....(ahhhhh cue angelic music)... BRANDY... The hotty mcHot-hot, mythical, un-attached, trailer park beautie queen, one of the other happy thoughts in my life. And you'd never guess, it was she, BRANDY... And not just one, but three BRANDYS, unbelievable but true. This is why our jewing skills went out the window and we payed asking price. So hot, so hot, so hot... Wow... Amazing. I think I will end the story here because, I cant top that part of the story, that's all that matters, the 15 minutes of nirvana, heaven, all else pales in compression....

Chapter, The rest of the day

2004-08-14T00:25:00.000-07:00

So my day didn't improve much from its beginning.